Archive for May, 2014

Bureaucracy is the same the world over ….

Posted on May 22, 2014. Filed under: Light plus Weighty | Tags: , |

This is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

John Tucker, St Johns; Canada

Dear Sirs,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Mary Anne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arse holes workin’ there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you’d be the last fucking people I’d want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, than have to find some arse hole to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin’ morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn’t smile if we wanted to? Because we’re totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1597 and I’ve been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 ………. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
……… However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am
– you know, someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN

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SAM MANEKSHAW – As a Cadet …

Posted on May 1, 2014. Filed under: From a Services Career, Personalities | Tags: , |

Here is a letter written by Sam Manekshaw when he himself was a Cadet at the IMA. It is addressed to a friend who is about to join the IMA and shows Sam at his practical witty best.

My dear Rustom,

I was delighted to see in the paper that you were successful at the recent examination for the IMA and I hasten to congratulate you.

A few hints and in view of our old friendship, I send them to you.

When you arrive at Dehra Dun Station you will be met by various representatives from the IMA, the Company Commander, Adjutant, Quartermaster etc. They are sent to carry your luggage for you, so give them yours at once.

I was lucky enough to be met by the Adjutant, a big man who wears funny trousers and belongs to that barbarous English sect called the Scots – I believe they are regarded as ‘untouchables’ in England.

I had thought of going up to Mussourie, but the Adjutant and I were having such an interesting conversation that I decided to defer the visit and drive to the Academy with him.

As exploration is encouraged, I advise you on arrival to inform the Adjutant that you are going up to Mussourie and won’t be back till the evening. Tell him to have your bath ready on your return.

Now a few words about “The Life”. You will be delighted to hear that you have both Drill and PT daily. We love all these things. Our enthusiasm is such that we all apply for “Extra Drills” and are given plenty of them.

I advise you to do the same, the staff are very obliging in this respect.

People like myself are termed Seniors – the best way for you to show your independence, a characteristic which is admired, is to ignore seniors, especially those with stripes on their sleeves.

When the latter talk to you just put your hands in your pockets and turn your back on them; they will appreciate you all the more.

You feed in a large room called the Mess. To show that you are a strong man, eat as much as you can at each meal. For breakfast, the average number of eggs you should consume is six, in addition to the other courses.

You will make a friend of the Mess caterer, if you show that you appreciate his food, and he is worth cultivating.

There is a small man with three stripes on his sleeve, who is sure to have a good deal to say for himself. As soon as he starts on you, call him “Foo-Choo”.

After this friendly greeting on your part, all will be well between you and him and you will find he will take a fatherly interest in your future welfare.

Then, as I said, there are some people called Company Commanders. Whenever one of these individuals dines in Mess always make a point of sitting next to him at dinner.

He will appreciate your efforts to get to know him really well.

You used to be keen on music so apply for the appointment of “Announcer” at our Wednesday Night Concerts, and offer to play a Solo on your mouth organ.

There is a cadet here who will accompany you on his violin and he has an extensive repertoire. Be sure to bring your gramophone and the three records with it.

You will have plenty of opportunity to play it after what is called ‘Lights Out’, and when you are dressing in the mornings. By bringing a gramophone you will be considered original and make many friends.

Only one more piece of advice: let everyone know how good you are at everything. Propaganda of this sort will make you the favourite of your professors.

Consider yourself very lucky to have passed into the IMA.

We all look back to our first few weeks here with joy, and I envy you the glorious time before you on the Square  (The Adjutant’s El Dorado).

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you – Be well turned out on arrival at Dehra Dun, wear your cap and your Oxford tights.

Yours ever,

Maneksam

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