Archive for October, 2013

Language and Pronunciation PUNS …

Posted on October 29, 2013. Filed under: Light plus Weighty, The English |

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro – what a rip off!                              
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.                    
Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Venison for dinner? Oh Deer                       
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.                                                                      
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )

The TRUTH behind British Politeness …

Posted on October 22, 2013. Filed under: Searching for Success |

Alice Philipson

The table below sheds light on just how difficult it can be for a foreigner to understand what the British really mean when they’re speaking – especially for those who take every word at face value.
.
The table points out that when Britons say ‘I’m sure it’s my fault’, it actually means ‘it’s your fault’ also reveals that ‘very interesting’ can often mean ‘that is clearly nonsense’.
The table, which has been posted on any number of blogs, has attracted thousands of comments from both Britons and foreigners claiming the interpretations are true to life.
Duncan Green, a strategic adviser for Oxfam who posted it online, described it as “a handy guide for our fellow Europeans and others trying to fathom weaselly Brit-speak”.
Mr Green said: “Sadly, I didn’t write it. It’s just one of those great things that is being passed around on the internet.”
Although the author of the table is unconfirmed, it is thought it may have originally been drawn up by a Dutch company as an attempt to help employees working in the UK.
.
Phrases that prove the trickiest to decipher include ‘you must come for dinner’, which foreigners tend to take as a direct invitation, but is actually said out of politeness by many Britons and often does not result in an invite.
 
 
WHAT THE BRITISH SAY WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN
WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND
I hear what you say I disagree and do not want to discuss it further
He accepts my point of view
With the greatest respect You are an idiot He is listening to me
That’s not bad.
That’s good That’s poor
That is a very brave proposal
You are insane He thinks I have courage
Quite good A bit disappointing
Quite good
I would suggest Do it or be prepared to justify yourself Think about the idea, but do what you like
Oh, incidentally/ by the way The primary purpose of our discussion is That is not very important
I was a bit disappointed that
I am annoyed that It doesn’t really matter
Very interesting That is clearly nonsense They are impressed
I’ll bear it in mind I’ve forgotten it already They will probably do it
I’m sure it’s my fault It’s your fault Why do they
think it was their fault?

You must come for dinner

Nnt an invitation, I’m just being polite
I will get an invitation soon
I almost agree I don’t agree at all
He’s not far from agreement

I only have a few minor comments
Please rewrite completely He has found a few typos
Could we consider some other options I

 don’t like your idea
They have not yet decided
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )

An Armies Cherished Old World Values ,,,

Posted on October 22, 2013. Filed under: From a Services Career, Light plus Weighty |

An article by Lt Col S. Riaz Jafri (Retd) PAK Army carried by Hamid.
During the recent swearing in ceremonies of the PM and others being televised live, I noticed a senior army officer pushing the chair for a dignitary and it took me back in time to 1954.

It was the first re-union of the Corps of Pakistan Signals in March 1954, and the finals of the Inter Regimental Hockey were being played at the GHQ Signals Regiment Rawalpindi hockey ground. 
 
General Muhammad Ayub, then the C-in-C Pakistan Army, was the chief guest. It was customary then, and may be the practice is still in vogue, to detail a local ADC from the unit for the visiting General as the unit officer was expected to be better informed of the local environs than the General’s actual ADC. 
 
I, a Second Lieutenant, was detailed to perform this onerous task and was introduced to the General on his arrival as such by our then Director of Signals, Brig. Zaman Janjua (an uncle and God Father of Asif Nawaz Janjua later General and the COAS Pak Army). 
 
I felt heavy over my shoulders for the task assigned but at the same time was looking forward excitedly to the best part of the job – to ride in the Chief’s car after the match, sitting in the rear all b y myself, and directing the chauffeur to take it to the JCOs’ mess where the General accompanied by the officers was to take a short cut on foot for addressing a Durbar and later attending the Bara Khana there. 
 
During the match I was seated immediately behind the General in the second row on an upright chair while the Brig. was sitting next to him on the sofa. After a while the General turned his head half back towards me and asked for the cigarette. (For security reasons Cs-in-C did not smoke others’ cigarettes). I cranked my body rearwards and signaled the Chief’s big moustached and turbaned chauffeur for the cigarettes, raising my two fingers motioning for a smoke. He immediately produced a States Express Triple Nine (999) tin and the General taking a cigarette lighted it with his Ronson lighter. 
 
I felt pleased for having performed my first task efficiently and reasonably well. During the interval a mess waiter brought the tea for the General – a simple cup of tea and a few biscuits. While the General was helping himself with a drop of milk and half a spoon of sugar, I, without even getting up from the chair stretched myself a little forward and pushed the coffee table by the side of the General closer to him to place the teacup on it. 
 
The match came to an end and the General was chatting affably with the players when Brig. Zaman started slowly closing in upon me. With a menacing look in his eyes, clenched teeth and in a low voice so that others around do not hear but certainly in a harsh tone, he chastised me stern and straight there, “Since when have you started behaving like a butler in public?”.
 
“Beg your pardon, Sir?” I stammered. I did not have the foggiest idea of what I had done. “Don’t push the table yourself. Ask someone around to do it. You are an officer and you better behave like one” ,
 
Having scolded me well and proper he melted away, leaving me aghast. Oh my God – that was some dressing down. I forgot all about the prestigious ride in the Chief’s limo – in fact I did not have the heart to ride in it anymore. I asked some one to explain the route to the driver and trailed behind the others towards the JCOs’ Mess.
That evening we had the Corps Reunion Dinner in the Signals Officers’ Central Mess, Rawalpindi. General Ayub was the Chief Guest and at his usual best. Army’s entire top brass was there and so were many young and senior Signals’ Officers. Cold drinks were going round before the dinner and every one seemed to be enjoying the evening. Only, I had not recovered from the reproof of the evening and was mulling over it quietly in a corner with other subalterns.
Suddenly, I noticed Brig. Zaman, glass in hand, weaving through the maze of the officers as if looking for someone and lo, sure he smiled as he spotted me. Seeing him making for me I lunged forward and wished him ‘Good Evening, Sir’. Putting his arm round me he pressed it lightly and patting me on the back affectionately saying, “Jaff, look after your guest (the General). Do any thing you wish here. This is your home and you are the host. Go and get him a drink”. 
 
The Brigadier was clearly compensating for the reproof he had administered to a subaltern earlier that evening. Oh! Blessed Lord, he didn’t have to do it. But, how thoughtful, how fatherly, how magnificently compassionate of him! Second Lieutenant Jafri was immediately his old jovial self and part of the crowd. The Brigadier had salvaged the spirits of a young officer.

Time marches on. In comes January 1970. Preparations to stage the annual Horse & Cattle Show at the Fortress Stadium Lahore are near completion. General Amir Abdullah Khan Niazi is holding one of his daily adm conferences for the final fine tuning of the event. Shah of Iran was to be the Chief Guest for the Opening Ceremony. “Who will present the Shah with the scissors in the platter to cut the ribbon ?”, asks the General. All present look expectantly towards him for the honor. 
 
“Who else deserves it more than the person who has worked so hard to make this show a success ?” and then with a poignant pause, he announces, “ CO Signal Battalion”. There is thunderous applause from all. But lo and behold, Lieutenant Colonel Riaz Jafri rises sombrely and says impassively, “Sir, I am sorry, I cannot do it”. 
 
There is a hush. Everyone is wonder struck at such a response. “But why, oh Shah Jee, why?”, asks General Niazi. (Niazi used to address Col Jafri as Shah Jee at times) “Because, Sir, I cannot be a butler in public!” replied Colonel Jafri calmly. 
 
Somewhere from deep down within him, Second Lieutenant Jafri had spoken. And, up above in the heavens Brig. Zaman nodded approval with an understanding smile. 
May he keep smiling always. Amen. 



Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )

Liked it here?
Why not try sites on the blogroll...